Golem

There’s a girl
A woman
Inside that puppet
That mask
That golem
That was “you”

Somewhere deep
Deep inside the dirt
And mud
And dark whispers
Of the lies
You created

Is you
That woman
The girl
I still think of

She exists

And someday I hope
She digs herself out
Soiled and bloody
Damaged and torn
Regretful and
Full of effort
And calm determination

And I hope when
You finally see her
See you
In the mirror
Free of your cell
You will love her
Love you

As I tried to do.

!!!!

I feel a bit like I’ve been on a tilt-o-whirl of emotions lately. There’s been a lot of anger, some sadness, a lot of gratitude, but right now (as in this very moment) I am dealing with a heck of a lot of anxiety.

It’s weird, because it’s everything and nothing all at once, which is as fun as you can imagine. Things like:

‘Oh my god they won’t be printing my action plan until July! That’s *way* too late!’

‘What if I never meet someone?’

‘How the heck am I going to get to ComicCon?’

‘Am I bugging people when I text them?’

‘Do people really want to hang out with me or are they just being polite?’

‘Who is going to watch my cats while I’m in Florida?’

‘Will I ever get to be the first person someone calls/texts/whatever with good news?’

‘Was my sight in my right eye always this bad? Because WOW.’

All these are the kind of things that are running through my head on a pretty constant basis. It sucks, I have to say. Plus, it’s typically the silly things that get me. Right now I’m having a hard time focusing because of one of the smaller, less important things on my list. So I thought I would jot this all down in the hopes that some sort of exorcism will take place.

We shall see.

Lies

I have never felt so cold
I am relieved
Still broken
Yet not in the way

I was

I feel a detachment
As I wonder
How many ways
One person

Can change you

Baptism

I walked there upon your streets

I slept deeply between your sheets

I’ve felt a longing for a home not known

The seed of my love was heartbreak grown

I dream of jellybeans and dangerous hills

Of pastry and coffee and sunshine and thrills

Was it her I fell for, or was it you?

I cannot tell you, I never knew

I missed you from the moment we met

And here I am I long for you yet

Though I cannot desert she who welcomed me first

You’ve woken in me an unquenchable thirst

It hurts me to remember the memories provided

Is there a crueller fate than a heart divided?

 

wow

I think I’m not in love with you any more.

I will always be there for you, but I’m not 100% about you.

I have great friends. Even though I often feel insecure with them, they have never made me feel as insecure as you did, and you were supposed to be my partner.

There were people I crushed on before and after you.

Maybe we can never be together again…you really abused me.

You loved me equally, but you also told me I was a selfish bitch who never loved you.  I realize now that was your own blinders.  I loved you so much I almost died.  You made me feel unworthy of you.

And I almost let you.

It scares me because if I knew you’d stop ignoring me,if i could please you, i’d let you XXXXX XX  If I thought that would make you love me again, and not me ignore me, I would have taken it.

And if that isn’t a sign of how far gone i was, well…

I made the right decision.  I made the right decision.  I did. Because I have awesome people in my life.  Who love me.  Who don’t tear me down.

I just wish you could have believed I loved you.  As hard as you were, I LOVED you.  You were not unworthy of love.

 

No matter how hard you tried.

The Hard Days

Today is one of the hard days.

I woke up from dreams that were both joyous and heart breaking in equal proportion, and they continue to affect my mood and thought patterns as we approach lunch time.  That’s not good.  I need to focus on things that are not dreams.  Focus on reality and not fantasy.  But for someone like me that can be very very difficult to do.  I spend a lot of time in my head.

I suppose it’s the curse of being a writer.

It’s hard to focus on work when I’m feeling like this.  Everything just feels — inconsequential.

The mood will pass, of course.  It always does.  And tomorrow I will root myself to reality and appreciate all the awesome things that are in my life (of which there are too many to list…I do know that).

But today is going to be one of the days you just Get Through. Everyone has them.  And we all get through them.  I am no different.

Selfish

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happy. 

It turns out being needed makes me happy.  That probably sounds pretty obvious to a lot of people, and I will admit that it is pretty basic.  But sometimes the basic stuff can sneak up on you in new ways.

I’ve had several people turn to me for help in the last little while, each in their own different ways, each for their own different reasons.  And while I’m saddened by the fact that they are in such situations, it gives me no end of joy to be the one that these people turn to.

I like being someone my friends and family can rely on and turn to.  I like being trustworthy.  I especially like being helpful.

But ironically, it strikes me as more than a little selfish to feel that way.  Like it means I’m glad when people are in crappy spots where they need my help.

That’s not what I mean at all, obviously.  I guess what I do mean is that if people are going to be in not-so-great places I’m glad I’m at the top of their list of people to turn to.

The funny thing is, most people hate asking for help, myself included.  It’s not an easy thing to do.  I wonder how many people are like me when approached, though? How many of them are sitting there thinking

“I’m so very glad you felt you could come to me.  Thank you.”